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1 

mm 

The Flathead 




i 



THE TWELVE FLATHEADS 



As every student of history knows, the Twelve Flatheads were the greater part 
of the Thirteen Significant Accomplishments ofKingMumberthrax the Insignificant* 

In the immortal words ofBoswell Barwell, the royal biographer: 

Mumberthrax's place in history was secured by the one thing at which the 
Flatheads tended to excel: procreation. He sired twelve amazing children; twelve 
offspring who would transform the kingdom. As these magnificent siblings grew in 
notoriety, as their vast achievements became legendary, they became known as The 
Twelve Flatheads* * 

In 783 GUE, the coronation of Lord Dimwit Flathead the Excessive, 
Mumberthrax's firstborn, began at Flatheadia. This calendar, brought to you under 
the auspices of the Flatheadia Chamber of Commerce and the Frobozz Magic 
Calendar Company, celebrates the centennial of that memorable occasion. 

Reproduced for this calendar are Leonardo Flathead's famous portraits of the 
Twelve Flatheads.*** Leonardo brilliantly captured the varied personalities of the 

siblings on canvas over a span of seventeen years, starting with his own 
self-portrait in 766 GUE (see felly) and finishing with his Coronation Portrait of 
King Dimwit in 783 GUE (see Estuary). 

We are grateful for permission to reprint the accompanying excerpts from 
Boswell Barwell's exhaustive biography, "The Lives of the Twelve Flatheads." 



"The thirteenth accomplishment was a decree that made Double Fanned the National Sport afOuendor. Legends say that Double 
Fanned was invented by Zilbo SI, the last king of the Entharion dynasty. Double Fanned Championships had beers an annual event 
since 691 GUE, and Mumberthrax's Proclamation of 757 simply gone the sport official royal approval. 
" 'From the introduction to "The Lives of the Twelve Flatheads." 

***The originals can be seen in the gallery at Flatheadia Castle. Acknowledgement is gratefully made to Winifred Booblort of the 

Flatheadia Castle Preservation Society far her invaluable help. 

* ■* * 'Copied right in 804 GUE by the Frobozz Magic Biography Publishing Company- 



DIMWIT FLATHEAD 

Excessive Ruler of the Empire 
(723-789) 

Dimwit, as Mrrmberthrax's firstborn, grew up as heir to the throne of 
Quendor. A tad spoiled, little Dimmie was fond of torturing his nannies 
in the castle dungeon. 

Dimwit spent most of his early adulthood vacationing (with 40,000 attend- 
ants) in the sparsely populated Eastlands across the Great Sea, Dimwit, who 
despised the outdoors* was enthralled by the underground caverns there. 

When Mumberthrax felt death's icy hand in 770 GUE, Dimwit began his 
vibrant reign. He immediately moved the capital of Quendor from Egreth, in 
the Westlands, to Aragain, in the Eastlands. Aragain, a small village, was 
transformed and renamed Flatheadia. Dimwit also decreed that Quendor be 
called "The Great Underground Empire."* * 

Dimwit's grandiosity knew no bounds. His wondrous coronation 
ceremony* * * quickly earned him the nickname Lord Dimwit Flathead the 
Excessive. On a whim, in 783, he ordered the erection of Flood Control Dam 
#3, an underground project whose uselessness and cost did not diminish its 
magnificence. He also had huge granola smelters built near the Antharian 
Granola Mines, 

Some bitter, unappreciative chroniclers have described Dimwit's castle 
as his biggest folly. It covered 8,600 square bloits, and housed, at one time, 
over 90% of the empire's population. 

Dimwit's last great project was the erection of a huge statue of himself 
in the Fublio Valley. Nine bloits tall, it necessitated the deforestation of 
L400 square bloits. 

It was rumored that Dimwit was planning the construction of a new 
continent in the Flathead Ocean; a continent whose contours would have 
resembled his own features. Sadly, Dimwit passed away in 789 before he 
could realize this incomparable goal. His death has always been shrouded 
in mystery. 

'Dimwit was petrified of rain, which puddled embarrassingly on his level pate. 
' 'Nowadays, these names are used interchangeably. 

" * 'The ceremony took thirteen years to plan and lasted eighteen /unfilled months. 




ESTUARY 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day TR 


Star Day 


1 

Entharion Day 


2 




4 3 


5 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


6 


7 


8 


9 


10 


11 


12 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


13 


14 


15 


O 

Granola Riots 
(865 GUE) 


17 


18 

Endless Fire started 
(773 GUE) 


19 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


20 


21 


22 O 

HEW MOON 


23 


24 


25 


26 

Dimwit s Birthday 
Observed 


27 


28 


29 


30 

Mood Control Dam #5 
dedicated (7S3 GUE) 


31 O 


DID U KNOW? Dimwit's Birthday, now associated with 
big sales at U-Mart and J.C. Zorkmids, was once a day 
when everyone in the kingdom was required to give the 
king a present 



Frob Dag is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 




JOHN D. FLATHEAD 

Captain of Industry 
(725-789) 

King Dimcanthrax formed the Frobozz Magic Construction Company in 667 
GUE to enlarge the underground caverns of the Eastlands. Affiliated com- 
panies, such as the Frobozz Magic Dirt Disposal Company, and the Frobozz 
Magic Underground Sewer Installation Company, soon followed. The next 
year, FrobozzCo International was formed as a parent company for the 
burgeoning subsidiaries. 

By 743, there were more than 17,000 subsidiaries of FrobozzCo. That 
same year, a young entrepreneur named John D. Flathead graduated from 
the venerable Borphee Business School, 

At age 22, John D. founded Flathead Industries. FI's business was invent- 
ing other companies, which it would then sell to FrobozzCo. Within three 
years, FI had an annual income of 80,000,000 zorkmids. Eventually, the 
conglomerate decided to buy FI, renaming it the Frobozz Magic Company 
Company. John D. became one of FrobozzCo's 39,000 vice-presidents. 

It didn't take John D. long to parlay his business acumen and royal 
connections into the chairmanship of FrobozzCo. Years of heady growth 
followed. When John D.'s older brother Dimwit became king, FrobozzCo 
received every contract for Dimwit's incredible projects. Hundreds of new 
subsidiaries were formed daily; in 781 a huge 400-story headquarters 
opened in Flatheadia. 

John D.'s long-time goal was for FrobozzCo to control every single zorfcmid 
of commerce in the Great Underground Empire. The lone holdout, a small 
rutabaga farm in Mithicus, finally sold out to FrobozzCo in 789. John D. 
never heard the news, however. He disappeared, along with a huge entou- 
rage, while touring the factories of the Frobozz Magic Snowmaking Equip- 
ment Company in the Gray Mountains. 



FR0BUARY883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


FUN FAX Frobuary™ was originally 
called Fidooshiary until it was purchased 
by the Frobozz Magic Month Company in 
817 GUE. 


1 


2 € 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


3 

Ursdergroundhog 's 
Day 


4 


5 


6 


7 


8 


9 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


10 


U t) 


12 


13 


14 


15 


16 

Dim wit s Birthday 
Observed 


17 


18 


19 


20 # 

FULL MOOS 


21 


22 


23 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


24 


25 


26 


27 


28 


29 m 

Start of Leap Week 
(Antharia only) 


30 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


31 


32 


33 


34 


35 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 
Frobuary is a tradentne of the Frobozz Magic Month Company, 



STONEWALL FLATHEAD 
Military Hero 
{726-789) 

TJ. "Stonewall" Flathead received his celebrated nickname while serving 
as a Squire in the Royal Army during the famous Battle of The Stonewall in 
747 GUE. 

The Stonewall was a strategically vital locale, commanding the two most 
important caverns of the Eastlands. When reports arrived that rebellious 
natives had captured The Stonewall, T.J. Flathead and his garrison were 
assigned the mission of retaking it. 

After a battle lasting seven weeks, during which T.J, 's men suffered a 
casualty rate of nearly 75%, the garrison stormed The Stonewall. Once 
in command of it, they discovered that the reports had been erroneous: 
The Stonewall was completely undefended, and the supposedly rebellious 
natives were actually all vacationing in the Gray Mountains. Nevertheless, 
T.J.'s tactics and strategies during the battle were brilliant, and he would 
henceforth be known as Stonewall Flathead. 

Stonewall rose quickly through the ranks, and in 755 GUE he became 
General of the Royal Army. 

During his 34 years in command, he squelched three provincial rebellions 
and over 12 ,000 tax riots. Fortunately, his unlimited conscription powers 
helped mitigate the 98% casualty rates his army suffered during these 
difficult battles. 

Stonewall died in 789 GUE during the Battle of Ragweed Gulch, when 
he was accidentally shot by one of his own men. 




ARCH 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


GruesDay 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


KRAZYKWOTES 

"Why pay less?" 

-Dimwit Flathead 


1 


2 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


3 Q 


4 


5 


6 


7 


8 


9 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


10 


11 

St. Balhu's Day 


12 Q 


13 


14 




16 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


17 


18 


19 


20 


21 O 


22 


23 


24 


25 


Frobozz Magic Cave Co. 
fouled (668 GUE) 




EMPTY MOOH 


Royal Museum dedicated 
(777 GUE) 


Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 






26 


27 


28 


29 


30 O 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


31 





Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 



JOHAHN SEBASTIAN FLATHEAD 

Musical Genius 
(728-789) 

In 732 GUE, the Frobozz Philharmonic Orchestra was formed. Because of 
the woeful lack of orchestral music in existence, the FPO usually settled for 
playing baroque versions of old folk tunes and popular dance numbers. 

Seven years later, the FPO performed their first symphony. The piece 
was notable because of the age of its author, a precocious eleven-year-old 
named Joharm Sebastian Flathead. 

As he matured, Johann's symphonies increased in length, while his audi- 
ences mysteriously decreased in size? His Symphony #981, the so-called 
Infinite Symphony, contained over 60,000 movements; over the course of 
its only performance, several members of the orchestra retired and were 
replaced by their children or grandchildren. 

Dimwit recognized a kindred spirit in his younger brother, and appointed 
him official court composer in 771. Later that year, he wrote his famous 
"Flatheadia Overture for Rack and Pendulum" to celebrate the dedication 
of Dimwit's new dungeon. 

He spent his latter years composing music for ever more grandiose 
instruments, such as his Concerto for Woodwinds and Waterfalls. Johann 
was killed in 789 when a mishap occurred during a rehearsal of his Minuet 
for Violin and Volcano. 



* Ho reasonable postulation has been made to explain Johann's lack of popularity. It is the belief of 
Ms author that the short attention span of the general public precluded it from sitting still for the 
whole of one of his symphonies. 



ORACLE 883 



Sand Day Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day TE 


Star Day 


TID BITZ This year is the 100th anniversary of the original Coronation Day. Since 
Dimwit's coronation, all subsequent kings have been crowned on Oracle 22nd. 


1 


2 


3 

King Wurb's 
Birthday 


4 

St. Foobus'Day 


5 


6 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


7 




9 


10 


11 


12 


13 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


14 


15 


16 


17 * 


18 


19 


20 

Dim wit's Birthday 
Observed 


21 


22 

W 

Coronation Day 


23 
30 


24 


25 


26 # 

OLD MOON 


27 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


28 


29 jr 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 




J. PIERPONT FLATHEAD 
Dauntless Banker and Financier 
(730-789) 

As a child, J. Pierpont demonstrated both the flair for capitalism and the 
resourcefulness which would make him the most successful banker in all of 
Quendor. The enterprising eight-year- old opened a lemonade stand in the 
center of Egreth Village, using the royal militia to force citizens to buy 
lemonade. At spearpoint, most people were willing to pay little J. Pierpont's 
exorbitant price of 300 zorkmids per glass* 

He also used the militia to quash the other lemonade stands in the city, 
and later to shut off all other beverage sources as well. As the prices at his 
lemonade stand soared into quadruple digits, J. Pierpont quickly realized 
the benefits of monopolies. 

In 749, at the age of nineteen, J. Pierpont became a clerk at the Bank of 
Zork. Six weeks later, following a rash of disappearances of his successive 
bosses, J. Pierpont became the youngest Chairman of the Board in the 
bank's history, a testament to his financial acumen. 

As Chairman, he used his royal connections to eliminate all competing 
banks, increasing the Bank of Zork's market share from 99.2% to 100%.* * 
He also supervised the installation of the latest magic -based security tech- 
niques to guard the bank's vault and deposit box areas. For unknown rea- 
sons, J. Pierpont hired exclusively gnomes to fill his teller and security 
positions. 

J. Pierpont Flathead served as Chairman of the Board until his odd disap- 
pearance in 789 GUE, when he entered one of the bank's vaults and never 
re-emerged. Although gone, he is not forgotten; reproductions of his portrait 
still hang in every branch of the Bank of Zork. 



"Ice was extra. 

"He was later able to increase this number to 131% by encouraging customers to deposit iheir money 
several times. 




MAGE 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day TR 


Star Day 




Zero Day 


1 

Mage Day 


2 g 


3 


4 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


5 


6 

Antharian Marble 
Pageant 


7 


8 * 


9 


10 


n 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


12 


13 


14 © 


15 


16 


17 


18 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


19 


20 Q 


21 


22 


23 


24 


25 

Dimwits Birthday 
Observed 


26 Q 

PAC MOON 


27 


28 


29 


30 


31 

St.HonkosDay 


QUICKIE QUIZ Who was the first king in 
the Flathead Dynasty? 

asooinag sip XBjrgtreoima nmSM 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 



THOMAS ALVA FLATHEAD 
Inventor Extraordinaire 
(730-789) 

Many have mastered the magical arts; few applied them to the creation of 
practical devices as masterfully as the great inventor Thomas Alva Flathead. 

His brilliance was evident even in childhood. Thomas Alva, the sixth son 
in his family, was constantly tormented by his siblings: no sooner would he 
get a toy to play with than some older brother would snatch it away. Thomas 
Alva quickly remedied the situation by inventing powerful steel traps which, 
at first glance, looked exactly like toy boats or stuffed dombeasts. 

As an adult, Thomas Alva produced a seemingly endless stream of inven- 
tions from his laboratory, Froblo Park. His most useful inventions include 
the magic room spinner and the magic compressor, but he is probably best- 
known as the inventor of the battery-powered brass lantern. 

Thomas Alva also made a number of breakthroughs in the area of person- 
ally-ingested magic. His most famous invention in this area was a yellowish- 
green potion which allowed humans to talk to plants. 

All of these inventions were marketed by FrobozzCo International, pro- 
viding Thomas Alva with generous royalties. But he spurned wealth, living 
in a small room behind his laboratory and sleeping on an unfinished wooden 
board. Thomas Alva died in 789 GUE from a severe case of splinters. 



JAM 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day TR 


Star Day 


KRAZYKWOTES 

"A good lawyer is much better than a good husband." 
-Lucrezia Flathead 


i o 

EATEN MOON 

Dimwit is Birthday 
Observed 


2 O 


3 :§ 


4 • 

FAST MOON 


5 

Treaty ofZnurg 
(474GUE) 


6 


7 


8 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


9 


10 


11 


12 


13 


14 

Capital moved to 
Fktheadia(771GUE) 


15 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


16 


17 


is m 


19 


20 


21 


22 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


23 


24 


25 f|| 


26 


27 


28 


29 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


30 





Frob Day is a traderune of the Fmbozz Magic Day Company. 




LEONARDO FLATHEAD 

Artist and Scientist 
(731-789) 

Little notice was taken of Leonardo Flathead as a child. He was shy and 
quiet, and quite overshadowed by his aggressive older brothers. It wasn't 
until his arrival at Galepath University that his genius blossomed and the 
world began to take notice. 

While at the University, Leonardo wrote several major treatises which 
revolutionized scientific thought. The most famous of these disproved the 
hoary myth that the world sits on the back of a giant turtle, proving instead 
that the world actually rests on the head of an enormous troU. 

After his University days were over, Leonardo turned from science to art. 
He became the most famous painter in the land: noblemen from every prov- 
ince were escorted to his studio by Dimwit's personal militia to have their 
portraits painted. 

Unfortunately, during his later years Leonardo became quite senile, and 
his painting style deteriorated. He took to flinging paint at his canvasses in 
much the same way that a Borpliee baker flings bits of dough into a hot 
oven to make FroboOi Cakes. His studio became caked with layer upon layer 
of splattered paint. It was during this period that his famous incomplete 
work, "Obstructed View of Fjord," was lost. 

Leonardo made a final, feeble attempt to recapture his former greatness 
by moving into other media beside paint, but these efforts led to his tragic 
end. In 789, while working on a large statue intended for the harbor of 
Antharia, he suffered a fatal plunge into a vat of molten granola. 




JELLY 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day 1 * 


Star Day 


-5 Mm 


TTD BITZ The great Thaumaturgist, Davmar, spent six years of his 
life as a zucchini farmer, but was allergic to zucchinis and could not eat 
them himself! 


1 


2 O 

WHITE MOON 


3 

Double Fanned 
became National Sport 
ofQuendor(761GUE) 


4 

FilfieDay 


5 


6 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


7 


8 


9 


io o 


H • 

SOTDEN MOOH 


12 


13 

Dimwits Birthday 
Observed 


14 


15 


16 


17 


18 


19 • 


20 

Dimwit s Birthday 
Observed 


21 


22 


23 


24 


25 

• 

St. Quakko'sDay 
(maybe) 


26 


27 • 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


28 


29 


30 


31 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozi Magic Day Company. 




LUCREZIA FLATHEAD 
Legendary Murderess or Innocent Widow? 
(735-789) 

Of all the Twelve Flatheads, it is most difficult to separate history from 
legend when studying Lucrezia, the only sister to eleven aggressive broth- 
ers. Showing a total lack of understanding for her delicate position, detrac- 
tors have cruelly tried to claim that Lucrezia had a warped mind. 

At the tender age of sixteen, Lucrezia married a very rich but very old 
nobleman from Gurth, Marcus Bzart-Foodle. Ten-and-a-half months later, he 
died in bed with his bride. Afterward, Bzart-Foodle's doctor could not recall 
whether he had warned Lucrezia to avoid over-exciting her husband's 
weak heart. 

Lucrezia's second husband, a wealthy land baron from Mareilon named 
Oddzoe Glorb III, was found dead just five weeks after the wedding, his 
body mangled by hellhounds. It was quite understandable that Lucrezia had 
her multi-volume hellhound training manual removed from the house at 
once; the sight of it must have brought back tragic memories. 

Five days later, Lucrezia sought consolation in a third marriage, to the 
Governor of Antharia, Hirax Mumbleton. Only two days after that, Antharia 
was without a governor. Hirax had been discovered in his office, smothered 
under a ton of raw granola. His sobbing widow immediately cancelled deliv- 
ery of her daily truckloads of granola, in order to avoid any similar tragedies. 

After her next fifteen husbands, ah wealthy lords, died on their wedding 
nights, royal insiders reported that she was so distraught by her tragic 
string of bad luck that she was becoming dangerously suicidal. Elder 
brother Dimwit was finally forced into action, and had her locked up in a 
cell in the dungeon for her own safety. She languished in that cell for the 
remaining fifteen years of her life. During this period, some 1,800 prison 
guards were mysteriously poisoned. Some legends say that her own death, 
in 789, was self-induced. 




Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


QUICKIE QUIZ What is 
the busiest seaport in the 
Eastlands? aizoqj ^ . ISMSnv 


1 


2 


3 

Dimwit 's Birth day 
Observed 


4 • 

SMALL MOON 


5 


St. Boms' Day 


7 


8 


9 


10 • 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


11 


12 


13 


14 




16 # 

First Zorkmid minted 
(699 GUB) 


17 

Dim wit's Birthday 
Observed 


18 


19 


20 


21 


22 • 


23 


24 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


25 


26 


27 


LARGE MOON 


29 


30 


31 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


FUN FAX Bottomless pits 
are the second-leading 
cause of death in 
Flatheadia. 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 



RALPH WALDO FLATHEAD 

The Poet of the Empire 
(737-789) 

An unspoken Flathead family motto was "quantity over quality," and no 
one demonstrated that tenet better than Ralph Waldo. During his 40-plus 
years of putting pen to parchment, he wrote 912 novels, 4,000 short stories, 
and an incredible 87,000 sonnets. His essays have never been successfully 
counted, 

Ralph Waldo spent eleven years at Antharia University, collecting a 
chestful of degrees, including three doctorates: Doctor of Idyllic Poetry, 
Doctor of Excellent Elegies, and Doctor of Octameter Odes. He was very 
proud of his academic accomplishments, and always signed Ms name 
"Ralph Waldo Flathead, D.I.P., D.E.E., D.0.0." 

Fresh out of college and flush with the enthusiasm of youth, Ralph Waldo 
wrote a series of lengthy essays which he hoped would uplift the human 
spirit. Sadly and inexplicably, these essays lifted little more than the profits 
of the Frobozz Magic Writing Paper Company. The essays from this period 
include "On the Benefits of Keeping Ears Clean" and "Why Doorknobs are 
Necessary." Also during this period, he wrote "On the Discoloration of 
Roadside Slush," but the manuscript was lost before it could be published, 
leaving Ralph Waldo disconsolate for years. 

During his middle years, Ralph Waldo spent nearly half a decade living in 
the granola mines of Antharia. It was during this period that he wrote his 
longest work, a 60,000-verse epic about the varieties of moss that one finds 
in granola mines. 

Toward the end of his life, Ralph Waldo specialized in exploring related 
themes, as brilliantly demonstrated by the four sonnets found by his deathbed: 

Sonnet #87,177 "Ode to a Tiny Moist Avocado Pit" 
Sonnet #87,178 "Ode to Another Tiny Moist Avocado Pit" 
Sonnet #87,179 "Ode to Two Tiny Moist Avocado Pits" 
Sonnet #87,180 "Ode to Two Still-Tiny-But-Less -Moist Avocado Pits" 
Ralph Waldo died in 789 GUE. An autopsy revealed that the cause of 
death was an overdose of avocados. 




SUSPENDUR 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day GruesDay 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


FUN FAX Some experts claim that Dimwit Flathead could access a 
secret wing of his castle by sitting on his favorite throne and snapping 
his fingers. 


1 


2 

Time Travel Spell 
invented (927 GUE) 


3 


TWO MOONS 

Leisure Day 


5 


6 


7 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


8 


9 


10 


11 

Double Farmed 
Championships 


12 


13#| 

ONE & A HALF MOONS 


14 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


15 


16 


17 


18 


19 


20 


21 

Dim wit's Birthday 
Observed 


22 

MISSING MOON 


23 


24 


25 


26 

WEIRD MOON 


27 


28 

Dimmit's Birthday 
Observed 


29 


30 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 



JOHN PAUL FLATHEAD 
Seaman and Explorer 
(738-789} 

All the Flathead aunts and uncles predicted early on that John Paul would 
find his destiny at sea. He loved boats so much that the royal carpenters 
were ordered to produce a flotilla of 1,400 vessels for his bathtub* 

From an early age, John Paul suffered from an inferiority complex derived 
from being the second "John" among the Flathead children * * This complex 
made John Paul determined to become a world-famous seafaring adventurer. 

At sea, his feats ranged from the courageous (he was the first person to 
traverse the Great Sea in a one-man ship) to the curious (he set a new record 
for the most circumnavigations of Antharia on a raft towed by groupers) . 

In 766 GUE, at the age of 28, John Paul joined the royal navy; by 771, he 
was the ranking admiral; by 773, every ship in the navy had been sunk or 
lost at sea. John Paul retired shortly thereafter. 

He spent his latter days touring the Flathead Ocean, collecting curios and 
unusual pets from all corners of the world. Among the most interesting: a 
large blue toad named "Otto" who was known for his extraordinary appetite 
and his curmudgeonly personality. 

John Paul died in 789 GUE, during a vacation in Grubbo-by-the-Sea, 
when his old nemesis, the great white jellyfish, finally caught up with him. 



"His bathtub had to be consequently enlarged- a large inlandsea resulted. 

* "In his autobiography, Mumberthrax explains that when fie named John Paul he "simply forgot 

about John !>" 



0TT0BUR883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


1 


2 • 

FULL MOON 


3 


4 


5 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


6 

m 

St.Wiskus'Day 


7 


8 


9 


10 (§ 


11 


12 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


13 


14 


15 

FULL SUN 


16 


17 


18 3 


19 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


20 


21 


22 


23 


24 


25 


26 O 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 




28 


29 


30 


31 o 

/ / i 


TED BITZ Antharian cave-dwelling witches can 
sometimes be summoned by coughing. 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 




FRANK LLOYD FLATHEAD 

Royal Architect 
(741-789) 

As children, all the Flathead siblings adored playing with blocks * However, 
only Frank Lloyd drew plans before building. 

Frank Lloyd got his big break at the tender age of 17, when his father, 
King Mumberthrax, commissioned him to design a new wing for Castle 
Egreth. The resulting wing was breathtakingly impressive. As Frank Lloyd 
himself wrote, "the conjunction of space and time seems to interface in a 
pre-subjected instantiation of the underrepresented whole." Frank Lloyd 
became, overnight, the hottest architect in the Kingdom* * 

His reputation established, Frank Lloyd designed virtually every impor- 
tant Quendorian building during his three decades as Official Court Archi- 
tect. His designs ranged from his vacation chalet in the Gray Mountains to 
the Great Meeting Hall of the Enchanters' Guild in Borphee, but Frank 
Lloyd is best known for his most ambitious work: the 400-story FrobozzCo 
Building in Flatheadia. 

Overlooking exaggerations such as "on a clear day you can see the 
FrobozzCo Building from anywhere in the world," it is still the most ambi- 
tious building ever designed or built. A FrobozzCo Building address is most 
prestigious, and Frank Lloyd himself had a penthouse office, until a slight 
case of acrophobia forced him to relocate to a nineteenth-story office with a 
pleasant southern exposure. 

The carcinogenic chemicals used in the eighth century to create blue- 
prints finally took their toll on Frank Lloyd, and he died in 789 GUE. 



'Nanny Beeble, governess ft) the children, recalls that many had teams of slaves whose exclusive job it 
was to move the larger fctoefcr- 

"The fact that the new wing of Egreth collapsed two years later, killing over i.000 royal guests, was 
credited to a miscalculation on the stonemason's part. He was summarily executed. 




MUMBERBUR 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day™ 


Star Day 


DID U KNOW? Some silly people actually 
believe that the Empire will collapse on 
Curse Day this year. 


1 


2 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


3 O 

NEW MOON 


4 


5 


6 


7 


8 =o 


9 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


10 


11 Q 

Veterinarian 's Day 


12 up, 

p> 


13 


14 

Curse Day 


15 


16 o 

NEW5U1F 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


17 


18 


19 £ 


20 


21 


22 $ 

FULL FLAKE 


23 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


24 o 


25 


26 


27 @ 

RAD MOON 


28 


29 


30 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


KRAZY KWOTES 

"You ain't nothing but a 
hellhound." 

-Elvis Flathead 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frobozz Magic Day Company. 



BABE FLATHEAD 

Athletic Superstar 
(748-789) 

Often called the flattest of the Flatheads, Babe, the youngest of the twelve, 
was bom with an aptitude for sport. He demonstrated his dexterity and 
coordination early on, throwing baby blocks at his older siblings with 
impressive speed and accuracy. 

As a youth, he was always captain of the Little League teams, thanks in 
part to pressure applied by his uncle, Mayor Fiorello Flathead. Even as a 
teenager, he was something of a lady's man and a party animal, and his 
older brother Dimwit would frequently have to bail the Babe out of jail fol- 
lowing one infraction or another. By all accounts, Babe and Dimwit, despite 
their 25-year age difference, were closest of all the Flathead siblings. 

When he reached college age, Babe selected Mithicus Province Univer- 
sity from amongst many eager suitors. At MPU, Babe was a 43-letter man, 
leading his team to championships in every existing college sport and sev- 
eral non-existent ones as well* 

Throughout the Babe's professional sports career, he excelled in every- 
thing he tried: bocce, tag-team kayaking, full-court furbish. There was only 
one exception. Try as he might, Babe could not master Double Fanucci. 
Even the unexplained disappearances of the 339 leading Double Fanucci 
players failed to get Babe into the championships. Fanucci experts believe 
that Babe's difficulty with the game could be traced to one weakness: his 
failure to remember that three undertrumps after an opponent's discard of a 
Trebled Fromp is an indefensible gambit. 

By 782 GUE, the Babe was such a phenomenal drawing card that Dim- 
wit constructed the kingdom's largest sporting arena, Eathead Stadium, in 
his honor, ft was there, during the shark- wrestling semi-finals in 789 GUE, 
that the youngest of the Twelve Flatheads met his end. 



'Many experts feel that Babe's teams mould have won these championships even if every competing 
school had NOT had their QCAA memberships revoked. 



DISMEMBUR 883 



Sand Day 


Mud Day 


Grues Day 


Wands Day 


Birthday 


Frob Day TR 


Star Day 


QUICKIE QUIZ Who said "A home that's cut in half usually falls over"? 

praiflEjjI urerrejqy uaMsuy 


1 


2 o 


3 


4 }| 

SEMI-FLAKE 


5 (§1 

BULL MOOS 


6 


7 

Dimwit 's Birthday 
Observed 


8 


9 

Unnatural Acts 
(672 GUE) 


10 O 


11 


12 


13 © 

HAPPY MOON 


14 

Dimmit's Birthday 
Observed 


15 


16 iff 

J1AHK FLAKE 


17 


is a 


19 


20 


21 © 

BLUE MOON 

Dim wit's Birthday 
Observed 


22 


23 


24 

2 "I Beginning 
OA. of Flathead 


25 


26 a 

HALF-BOZSUN 


27 


28 

Dimwit's Birthday 
Observed 


29 © 

GRUKMOON 


30 # 

ZIKKO FLAKE 



Frob Day is a traderune of the Frabozz Magic Day Company. 




iriFOCOIR 

G-1Z9-CAL